I Saw Breaking Dawn Part 2 And All I Got Was This Raging Migraine.

SPOILERS BE HERE! If you haven't seen the movie yet, you may not want to read this.  You've been warned.

Yes, I went to see the new Twilight movie. If you know of any support groups for people like me, please leave that info in the comments.

I wanted to see Breaking Dawn Part 2: Electric Boogaloo because the review in my local paper said it was the best of the series. I saw the first four movies, and they were not great, so I had high hopes for this one. Here was the best part:

Vampire toddler with blood-dripping fangs standing in front of a pile of bodies.

Apparently vampire toddlers were once a scourge on the land, raping and pillaging and eating everyone in sight. Villages burned and all the toddler vampires had to be rounded up and killed. Or something. I'm not even sure, 'cause they didn't really explain that part. 

Anyway, here's a few observations from the film:

1. What is up with those HORRIBLE CGI wolves?? I hated them before and I still do. They look SO cheesy, and they're like elephant-sized! They used real wolves on True Blood, so it's obviously not that hard to get a wolf. And those wolves were scary! Why have a stupid cartoon wolf?

2. How does Jacob think he'll come and take away the baby right after it's born like he's Rumpelstiltskin or some shit? He shows up to meet Bella's daughter for the first time and is like, "Well, since you're a vampire now, you really shouldn't have a baby, so I'll just take this and go now. No hard feelings, K?" LOLWUT? This werewolf is a major dick.

3. She brings the baby to her dad and says "Congrats, you're a grandpa," and he just makes a face and doesn't want to hold the baby or even really look at it? Who does this??

4. Also they're afraid the baby is going to eat her dad. Makes perfect sense.

5. All these characters keep showing up and don't really get introduced or developed. Which means later on when they're fighting and getting slaughtered by the Volturi, I don't give a shit.

6. They abandon the baby and leave her a Dear John letter. Awesome parents. "Dear Renesmee, I know you can't read this yet because YOU'RE A BABY..."

7. They are in danger, so they get in their Volvo and drive out to stay with their vampire relatives in the country. Have I been smoking too much weed? 'Cause I swear I watched all four movies before this one and never heard anything about VAMPIRE RELATIVES WHO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY.

8. The head Volturi dude, who is basically like the Vampire Pope, is whiny and pedantic. With 20 minutes left in the movie, in the middle of his big boring monologue, he suddenly drops the bomb that humans have some badass weapon that can kill all vampires. You'd think this would be a big plot point, but no, it never gets mentioned again. Oh well, herp-dee-derp!

This really isn't a love story, because all Bella cares about is getting to be a vampire. She really doesn't give a shit about who Edward is as a person. I give this marriage ~3 years, and Bella and her kid are gonna be SO outta there. She'll leave Edward some letter about how it's not anyone's fault, but she's grown a lot and he's still just a hundred-year-old high school student.

These movies were not a complete waste of my time, because they have introduced me to Robert Pattinson, Misanthrope Extraordinaire. If you haven't seen this Tumblr yet, go there now and you're welcome. As much as RPattz hates being known as the sparkly vampire, he has said there is one plot twist that could convince him to endure the torture that is Twilight for one more movie, so I'll leave you with this: