Gift Guide season is here!

We're entering that magical time of year when retailers bombard us with gift guides. I love gift guides. They usually put great emphasis on choosing the bestest, most unique and perfect gift so the recipient will know how special you think they are. You know, like those pull-out sections in Vogue where a sassy editor urges you to buy your sweetheart a $25,000 Chanel bicycle with handlebar tassles made from Karl Lagerfeld's ponytail. 

I really want that bicycle, but the only way someone will ever buy it for me is if I buy them the perfect gift, first. So I've already started looking. Sadly, all I've found so far is a bunch of stupid, overpriced crap, which tells me a) the economy ain't that bad, and b) rich people will buy literally ANYTHING, AT ANY PRICE. 

Here are a few of the items that have made it onto my short list of excellent gifts  outrageous wastes of money and resources. First, from the Frontgate catalog:

6-pack Frosty Dog Cake Pops $49.50

• "Includes 6 gourmet treats

• Made with organic ingredients free of wheat, corn or soy

• Made from top-quality, human-grade ingredients

• Handmade and free of chemicals, preservatives, and artificial colors/flavors"

I thought since it's called "Frosty Dog" that these were frozen, and that's why they're so expensive. Nope. Fifty bucks for six dog biscuits. Do I have to point out that most dogs would rather eat feces?

Drinkware Rimming System $249.00

"Makes a great hostess gift for your favorite margarita mixing pal."

Hey, I like margaritas. How come my friends never got me one of these? I need a system for rimming drinks! My friends suck.

From Harry and David:

The Favorite® Royal Riviera® Pears $29.95

Harry and David fruit is really yummy, even if it's kind of douche-y to have the registered trademark symbol appear twice in the name of one fruit. But Bartlett pears (also yummy) are $0.69 a pound at Publix right now, which means I could buy nine pears at Publix and they would still cost less than one H&D® Pear®.

And my personal favorite, Hammacher Schlemmer: 

The Scalp Stimulating Hair Rejuvenator $219.95

"The pulsating brushes of this waterproof handheld device purge the scalp of oils and impurities while simultaneously stimulating circulation to deliver healing nutrients to hair. The American Academy of Dermatology found that effective cleaning of the scalp removes oily buildup, which is a key factor for healthier, better-looking hair."

This is like one of those head massagers you get from the dollar store, except this one comes with the vague implication that it will make you grow more hair. Even though they're totally not promising that you will grow more hair, so don't try to get a refund or anything if it doesn't work. Note that all the American Academy of Dermatology is saying is "You should wash your hair sometimes." Not "You can use a vibrating head massager to grow more hair." Also awesome:

"A two-hour charge on the included AC recharging base provides four five-minute treatments."

So the battery sucks too.

The Best Toaster Oven $249.95

 

"This toaster oven earned the highest rating from the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute because it quickly cooked pizza and cookies and maintained a constant cooking temperature. Also described by The Wall Street Journal as capable of doing 'just about everything we use the oven for,' The Best Toaster Oven's internal temperature varied only 2.89º F when measured at different locations within the oven when set to 400º F... 
The Best model has nine settings—the most of any oven—designed for specific foods (pizza, bagel, cookies). It suggests ideal cooking temperatures and times for each foodstuff and automatically adjusts the heat for optimal results. The 1,800-watt oven broils, cooks with convection, and defrosts at the touch of a button, its easy-to-read LCD shows temperatures and cooking times, and the 0.8 cubic foot interior accommodates a 12" pizza or six pieces of toast."

So it's... an oven. Why not just use the one you already presumably have? I'm not trying to be a hater here, I love a toaster oven. The old-fashioned kind with the red-hot heating thingy and the bell that goes "Ding!" when my grilled cheese is done. It's like forty bucks at Target.

If you are doing serious baking, the kind that requires super-precise temperatures and convection, are you really going to do said baking in a toaster?? And those one-touch buttons that just say "pizza" or "cookies"? They have those on microwaves, too, and they never work. I'm betting these aren't any different. It probably bakes a cookie with a raw center and leaves the sausage on the pizza frozen solid.

The Authentic Yankee Stadium Seat Barstool $1,000

"Removed from the stadium before it was razed, the classic light blue chair has the original folddown plastic seat, backrest, and seat number that was used in The House That Ruth Built."

Do you love watching baseball in the comfort of your living room, but miss the backache and sciatica pain from those stadium seats? Now all the discomfort of sitting in a tiny, crappy folding chair at sporting events can be yours at home!

The Portable Wood Burning Hot Tub $6,000

"Made in The Netherlands, this handmade portable hot tub requires no electricity, hot water, or plumbing, and provides ample soaking space for up to four adults. Made of durable polyester... a stainless steel heating coil system uses burning wood to provide hot water for the tub; water from the tub flows through the tub's lower pipe into the heating coil full of burning wood, and is naturally circulated using convection, emptying hot water through the top pipe into the basin, heating the tub to 104° F in 2 1/2 hours."

Is this really a thing with rich people? Portable hot tubs? How portable is it, really? In the Netherlands everyone rides bicycles, but I'm betting that wouldn't cut it. (Anyway, I'd be too afraid the heating coil would singe my Lagerfeld-hair tassles.) Do you throw it in the back of your pick-up? I still don't think it would fit. And if you own a vessel large enough for transporting this thing between residences, can't you afford to just buy two? 

The 20 Foot Animatronic Triceratops $350,000

"Motion-activated cameras installed into each eye work in unison with customized interactive software that enables the Cretaceous creature to recognize multiple subjects' facial features. Once identified, subjects' tracked movements trigger a set of responses: it sways its tri-horned head right, left, up, and down, stomps and scuffs its right forelimb, and opens its jaws while growling--all powered by digitally controlled servos and silent, pneumatic air-activated cams... The rumbles that issue from a hidden 1,000-watt speaker are based on paleontological approximations of what sounds the original 67 million year-old saurian might have vocalized. (1,345 lbs.)"

Okay, this is actually pretty dope. Where do I register?