I Saw Breaking Dawn Part 2 And All I Got Was This Raging Migraine.

SPOILERS BE HERE! If you haven't seen the movie yet, you may not want to read this.  You've been warned.

Yes, I went to see the new Twilight movie. If you know of any support groups for people like me, please leave that info in the comments.

I wanted to see Breaking Dawn Part 2: Electric Boogaloo because the review in my local paper said it was the best of the series. I saw the first four movies, and they were not great, so I had high hopes for this one. Here was the best part:

Vampire toddler with blood-dripping fangs standing in front of a pile of bodies.

Apparently vampire toddlers were once a scourge on the land, raping and pillaging and eating everyone in sight. Villages burned and all the toddler vampires had to be rounded up and killed. Or something. I'm not even sure, 'cause they didn't really explain that part. 

Anyway, here's a few observations from the film:

1. What is up with those HORRIBLE CGI wolves?? I hated them before and I still do. They look SO cheesy, and they're like elephant-sized! They used real wolves on True Blood, so it's obviously not that hard to get a wolf. And those wolves were scary! Why have a stupid cartoon wolf?

2. How does Jacob think he'll come and take away the baby right after it's born like he's Rumpelstiltskin or some shit? He shows up to meet Bella's daughter for the first time and is like, "Well, since you're a vampire now, you really shouldn't have a baby, so I'll just take this and go now. No hard feelings, K?" LOLWUT? This werewolf is a major dick.

3. She brings the baby to her dad and says "Congrats, you're a grandpa," and he just makes a face and doesn't want to hold the baby or even really look at it? Who does this??

4. Also they're afraid the baby is going to eat her dad. Makes perfect sense.

5. All these characters keep showing up and don't really get introduced or developed. Which means later on when they're fighting and getting slaughtered by the Volturi, I don't give a shit.

6. They abandon the baby and leave her a Dear John letter. Awesome parents. "Dear Renesmee, I know you can't read this yet because YOU'RE A BABY..."

7. They are in danger, so they get in their Volvo and drive out to stay with their vampire relatives in the country. Have I been smoking too much weed? 'Cause I swear I watched all four movies before this one and never heard anything about VAMPIRE RELATIVES WHO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY.

8. The head Volturi dude, who is basically like the Vampire Pope, is whiny and pedantic. With 20 minutes left in the movie, in the middle of his big boring monologue, he suddenly drops the bomb that humans have some badass weapon that can kill all vampires. You'd think this would be a big plot point, but no, it never gets mentioned again. Oh well, herp-dee-derp!

This really isn't a love story, because all Bella cares about is getting to be a vampire. She really doesn't give a shit about who Edward is as a person. I give this marriage ~3 years, and Bella and her kid are gonna be SO outta there. She'll leave Edward some letter about how it's not anyone's fault, but she's grown a lot and he's still just a hundred-year-old high school student.

These movies were not a complete waste of my time, because they have introduced me to Robert Pattinson, Misanthrope Extraordinaire. If you haven't seen this Tumblr yet, go there now and you're welcome. As much as RPattz hates being known as the sparkly vampire, he has said there is one plot twist that could convince him to endure the torture that is Twilight for one more movie, so I'll leave you with this:

Gift Guide season is here!

We're entering that magical time of year when retailers bombard us with gift guides. I love gift guides. They usually put great emphasis on choosing the bestest, most unique and perfect gift so the recipient will know how special you think they are. You know, like those pull-out sections in Vogue where a sassy editor urges you to buy your sweetheart a $25,000 Chanel bicycle with handlebar tassles made from Karl Lagerfeld's ponytail. 

I really want that bicycle, but the only way someone will ever buy it for me is if I buy them the perfect gift, first. So I've already started looking. Sadly, all I've found so far is a bunch of stupid, overpriced crap, which tells me a) the economy ain't that bad, and b) rich people will buy literally ANYTHING, AT ANY PRICE. 

Here are a few of the items that have made it onto my short list of excellent gifts  outrageous wastes of money and resources. First, from the Frontgate catalog:

6-pack Frosty Dog Cake Pops $49.50

• "Includes 6 gourmet treats

• Made with organic ingredients free of wheat, corn or soy

• Made from top-quality, human-grade ingredients

• Handmade and free of chemicals, preservatives, and artificial colors/flavors"

I thought since it's called "Frosty Dog" that these were frozen, and that's why they're so expensive. Nope. Fifty bucks for six dog biscuits. Do I have to point out that most dogs would rather eat feces?

Drinkware Rimming System $249.00

"Makes a great hostess gift for your favorite margarita mixing pal."

Hey, I like margaritas. How come my friends never got me one of these? I need a system for rimming drinks! My friends suck.

From Harry and David:

The Favorite® Royal Riviera® Pears $29.95

Harry and David fruit is really yummy, even if it's kind of douche-y to have the registered trademark symbol appear twice in the name of one fruit. But Bartlett pears (also yummy) are $0.69 a pound at Publix right now, which means I could buy nine pears at Publix and they would still cost less than one H&D® Pear®.

And my personal favorite, Hammacher Schlemmer: 

The Scalp Stimulating Hair Rejuvenator $219.95

"The pulsating brushes of this waterproof handheld device purge the scalp of oils and impurities while simultaneously stimulating circulation to deliver healing nutrients to hair. The American Academy of Dermatology found that effective cleaning of the scalp removes oily buildup, which is a key factor for healthier, better-looking hair."

This is like one of those head massagers you get from the dollar store, except this one comes with the vague implication that it will make you grow more hair. Even though they're totally not promising that you will grow more hair, so don't try to get a refund or anything if it doesn't work. Note that all the American Academy of Dermatology is saying is "You should wash your hair sometimes." Not "You can use a vibrating head massager to grow more hair." Also awesome:

"A two-hour charge on the included AC recharging base provides four five-minute treatments."

So the battery sucks too.

The Best Toaster Oven $249.95

 

"This toaster oven earned the highest rating from the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute because it quickly cooked pizza and cookies and maintained a constant cooking temperature. Also described by The Wall Street Journal as capable of doing 'just about everything we use the oven for,' The Best Toaster Oven's internal temperature varied only 2.89º F when measured at different locations within the oven when set to 400º F... 
The Best model has nine settings—the most of any oven—designed for specific foods (pizza, bagel, cookies). It suggests ideal cooking temperatures and times for each foodstuff and automatically adjusts the heat for optimal results. The 1,800-watt oven broils, cooks with convection, and defrosts at the touch of a button, its easy-to-read LCD shows temperatures and cooking times, and the 0.8 cubic foot interior accommodates a 12" pizza or six pieces of toast."

So it's... an oven. Why not just use the one you already presumably have? I'm not trying to be a hater here, I love a toaster oven. The old-fashioned kind with the red-hot heating thingy and the bell that goes "Ding!" when my grilled cheese is done. It's like forty bucks at Target.

If you are doing serious baking, the kind that requires super-precise temperatures and convection, are you really going to do said baking in a toaster?? And those one-touch buttons that just say "pizza" or "cookies"? They have those on microwaves, too, and they never work. I'm betting these aren't any different. It probably bakes a cookie with a raw center and leaves the sausage on the pizza frozen solid.

The Authentic Yankee Stadium Seat Barstool $1,000

"Removed from the stadium before it was razed, the classic light blue chair has the original folddown plastic seat, backrest, and seat number that was used in The House That Ruth Built."

Do you love watching baseball in the comfort of your living room, but miss the backache and sciatica pain from those stadium seats? Now all the discomfort of sitting in a tiny, crappy folding chair at sporting events can be yours at home!

The Portable Wood Burning Hot Tub $6,000

"Made in The Netherlands, this handmade portable hot tub requires no electricity, hot water, or plumbing, and provides ample soaking space for up to four adults. Made of durable polyester... a stainless steel heating coil system uses burning wood to provide hot water for the tub; water from the tub flows through the tub's lower pipe into the heating coil full of burning wood, and is naturally circulated using convection, emptying hot water through the top pipe into the basin, heating the tub to 104° F in 2 1/2 hours."

Is this really a thing with rich people? Portable hot tubs? How portable is it, really? In the Netherlands everyone rides bicycles, but I'm betting that wouldn't cut it. (Anyway, I'd be too afraid the heating coil would singe my Lagerfeld-hair tassles.) Do you throw it in the back of your pick-up? I still don't think it would fit. And if you own a vessel large enough for transporting this thing between residences, can't you afford to just buy two? 

The 20 Foot Animatronic Triceratops $350,000

"Motion-activated cameras installed into each eye work in unison with customized interactive software that enables the Cretaceous creature to recognize multiple subjects' facial features. Once identified, subjects' tracked movements trigger a set of responses: it sways its tri-horned head right, left, up, and down, stomps and scuffs its right forelimb, and opens its jaws while growling--all powered by digitally controlled servos and silent, pneumatic air-activated cams... The rumbles that issue from a hidden 1,000-watt speaker are based on paleontological approximations of what sounds the original 67 million year-old saurian might have vocalized. (1,345 lbs.)"

Okay, this is actually pretty dope. Where do I register?

Weird fetish haircut scene, or child abuse?

Unfortunately, I came across this photo today while looking for something completely unrelated:

I am obsessed with this picture. There is so much going on here that I just cannot figure out. What is the silver pole thing sticking out of the hair? Who is the man holding it? Is she a child, or a grown woman? What kind of tape is that? What is that thing she's wearing? Is her collar connected to something? Why is that chain hanging ominously behind her?

I spent way too much time on Google Image trying to get to the bottom of this, but there are no answers to be found. I hope this is some kind of humiliation scene, but I just don't know!

Suggestions?

"How can I be sure my child is being properly indoctrinated into The Patriarchy™?"

Do you find yourself worrying about this? Maybe, like many parents, you lie awake at night wondering if you're doing a good enough job preparing your daughter for a life of breeding and scrubbing toilets. Well, you can relax, because toy manufacturers have been busy coming up with innovative ways for your future brood mare/wet nurse to learn her place in society.

PlayGo My Cleaning Trolley® teaches your daughter that a woman's work is never done. And that work consists mainly of dustbusting, window washing, and cleaning floors and surfaces.

With the Just For Girls™ Playtime Electric Iron, she can perfect her steaming and pressing techniques long before her wedding day, ensuring her future husband an endless supply of crisp, starched shirts.

Bebe Gloton allows future mommies to simulate breastfeeding. Accessories sold separately include the Junior Baby Momma® Manual Breast Pump and Udder Balm for cracked nipples.

My Little Uterus® Ovulation Calendar is an important educational tool for preparing girls for a lifetime without access to birth control. 

By the time your rugrat comes of age, it may be difficult for her to obtain routine gynecological care. She'll be grateful you got her that Li'l Princess Pap Smear Kit so she's had plenty of practice doing it herself!

Barbie is an icon. But did you know she was also a teen mom? Teach your daughter pro-life values with Teen Pregnancy Barbie! Because it's a man's world, and men will want to knock her up as soon as she starts high school.

My First Episiotomy!™ contains everything kids need to practice repairing perineal lacerations after a difficult labor. Having her own vagina ripped open all the way to her anus won't seem nearly as scary after she's had hours of fun making the incision and suturing it up herself on this lifelike model.

Have fun, girls!

Remembering The Early '90s

It was a more innocent time. Yes, the AIDS crisis was in full swing. But it was still possible for a news anchor to slug prescription pills at the Primetime Live desk and wash 'em down with a nice Napa Cab. Here,  Diane Sawyer does just that, then pantomimes sniffing coke while snarking to someone off camera. Really wish we could hear the other side of the conversation.

Diane Sawyer, you are a hero and a role model. For those about to read the news: We salute you.

As Election Day approaches, campaigns will typically release some secret weapon-style dirt they've got on the opposing candidate. Usually something vaguely scandal-ish or hinting at impropriety. Over the last week the GOP has launched its final attack on President Obama, and it looks like this:

A retired mayor and the guy who mismanaged the Katrina response - is this really the best they could do?

The Romney campaign has used it's dying breath to trash the President's Hurricane Sandy response in the lamest way possible, by trotting out two sad Ghosts of Disasters Past. Remember last campaign season, when right before the election the McCain camp tried to get everybody riled up about a crazy racist preacher? No one cared, and it turned out the Obamas aren't very religious folk anyway.

This is like that, but stupider. This time around, they've reanimated the bloated corpse of Michael "Brownie" Brown to explain to us all why Obama should have waited until the middle of the storm to hold a press conference addressing disaster preparedness. You can't make this shit up.

The disgraced former FEMA head talked about it on his radio show in Denver, suspicious of why the President would instruct citizens to buy batteries and prepare to evacuate at 1:00 p.m. when the storm didn't land until dinnertime: "Here's my concern. People in the Northeast are already beginning to blow it off ... Bloomberg has shut down the subway ... (ordered) evacuations ... I don't object ... they should be doing all of that. But in the meantime, various news commentators ... (and others) in New York are shrugging their shoulders, saying, 'What's this all about?' It's premature (when) the brunt of the storm won't happen until later this afternoon."

So, the Prez should have waited five or six hours and maybe spoken to the press in the middle of a hurricane? Really, dude?

I know we live in the age of short attention spans and shorter memories, but is our collective ADHD really so bad that we can't process evacuation instructions six hours before a fucking hurricane? I realize Brownie doesn't know what a hurricane is. He is from Oklahoma, and now lives in Colorado. When he hears "hurricane", he sees this:

Those of us who live near the sea know that a press conference during an actual hurricane would look more like this:

After the giant clusterfuck that was the Katrina response, it's pretty rich that this guy feels he has anything to say at all.

But the main clown the Republicans have pushed out of their bottomless Volkswagen is this guy:

This is a windsock with veneers who a year ago had this to say about Romney: 

“I ran against him in ‘07 and ‘08 [and\] I’ve never seen a guy change his position so many times, so fast, on a  

dime."

Now he's changed his own position on Romney. At a fundraiser in Ohio last month, Giuliani defended 

Mitten's 47% remarks thus:

“If I were Governor Romney, I would say that I am glad I had the courage to raise an issue nobody else would raise — that too high a percentage of Americans are not paying taxes and that it’s dangerous when we start to get to half of the country not paying taxes,” he said “And what I want to do is put those people to work so they can pay taxes and I think Gov. Romney should not be embarrassed about his remark.”

Charming. Now he is telling anyone who will listen that Obama's fucking up the Sandy response worse than Katrina, thereby contradicting every other person on the planet who has anything to say on this subject. Also, Obama should resign because Benghazi.

This guy was not Secretary of State. He is not a recognized expert on foreign affairs or policy. He has never lived anywhere near the Gulf Coast. Last I checked, he was mayor of one city (a big one, but still just one city) and he retired from politics eleven years ago. So he probably knows as much about Katrina and Benghazi as anyone who watches CNN. I'll even say I know more about Katrina than him, because I sat through it in Gulfport, Mississippi.

He can't even apply makeup properly, unless this is Oompa Loompa cosplay. But I do like the wig.

Are we supposed to listen to Rudy Giuliani just because he was admired after 9/11? I hate that these guys think Americans are so stupid and lazy that we won't notice they have no credentials to be speaking on these subjects. It's just mean.

Okay, that was pretty negative. I can't wait until the election is over, when I can (hopefully) go back to being annoyed by things more banal than the threat of losing basic human rights.

Read more here: http://www.sunherald.com/2012/11/03/4282506/political-buzz-obama-campaign.html#storylink=cpy

Read more here: http://www.sunherald.com/2012/11/03/4282506/political-buzz-obama-campaign.html#storylink=cpy

Just in time for Halloween, here is my own true tale of horror.


I was using the blow dryer on my hair when I smelled the smell. Like fish cooking, but not a yummy fish. It smelled like a nasty, greasy fish, combined with that awful death odor that happens when a mouse dies in the heating vent. It got strong fast, and I kind of retched as I shut off the appliance and set it on the edge of the sink. As I put it down, the head of a giant cockroach tumbled out of the barrel of the hair dryer into the basin. It made a little rustling noise as it hit the porcelain.

Mutant offspring of Mr. Peanut and Nucky Thompson

This was a really big cockroach head, and just the head, with the super long antennae and mandibles with visible teeth. I had never seen one in the house before. For those familiar with Southern house pests, it was what people call a Palmetto Beetle. This is meant to make it seem less disgusting. Do not fall for the PR, it is a huge fucking cockroach and that's it. Some of them have neon orange racing stripes. Some of them fly. I wish I were making that up.

I'm sure you see where this is going. A roach the size of a fun-size Twix bar had crawled through the slats on the front of the dryer and wedged herself between the heating coils in the middle. I could see her in there, headless and roasting.

Happy Halloween.

On the bright side, I had a coupon for Ulta Beauty Supply and I got twenty percent off a lovely new hair dryer. I knitted a little cozy for the end so all openings are covered when it's not in use.